Jane Curtin: This past Thursday was the Great American Smoke Out, a day that everyone in America was encouraged to stop smoking cigarettes for a twenty-four hour period. Here to comment further is Update health correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Applause as we pan over to Roseanne Roseannadanna, a loud Latino woman who chews gum and has a lot of frizzy hair.]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in and says: "Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smokin'. Now, I'm depressed, I gained weight, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet swelled, my gums are bleedin', my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn, I'm cranky and I have gas. ... What should I do?" ... Mr. Feder, you sound like a real attractive guy! ... You belong in New Jersey! ... [applause] But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, quit smokin'. And to get back in shape, I had to join one of those fancy-shmancy health clubs. You know, the ones where it's real expensive to join but it's worth it, 'cause you get to see a lot o' people that you don't know naked! ... Like, some people got those bulgy-bulgy thighs, the ones that get chafed just 'cause they're always scrapin' against each other. ... And there's other people there that got these funny belly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out or it's like a hole or it curls around or it's like a little knob on it, like a door. ... Some of them got a little piece of their sweater still in it! ... Some of 'em look like a little star or a shell or a clam. Or some, you don't what they are! ... But, personally, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, don't like to walk around with no clothes in front of other people! Not that I don't got a great body. ... But why should I waste it on a bunch of fat ladies in a health club? Anyway, they got this sauna there which is a little hot room where you go to sweat like a pig. ... So, I go in there but before I sit down, I put this clean towel on the bench 'cause there's a lot of people in there and you don't know where they been! ... So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting next to me but Dr. Joyce Brothers! ... That very smart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. But what this nude psychologist doesn't know is that she had this little teeny tiny ball o' sweat right here, hangin' off the tip of her nose! ... It was just hangin' there! It wouldn't fall off! ... Like, if she turned her head, it didn't fall off, if she stood up, it didn't fall off, she scratched, it didn't fall off, and when she picked a little piece of sweater out of her belly button, it didn't fall off! ... That little sweat ball just wouldn't fall off! ... So I yelled at her. I said, "Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball off your nose! ... What are ya tryin' to do? Make me sick?!" She--
Jane Curtin: Roseanne!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: What? What?
Jane Curtin: [coolly] What do health clubs, sweat and saunas have to do with cigarettes?
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane. It just goes to show ya! It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you smoke or you have a sweat ball hangin' off your nose!